Insanity

anything for you..

2005-07-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Anything for you
Though youre not here
Since you said were through
It seems like years
Time keeps draggin on and on
And forevers been and gone
Still I cant figure what went wrong

Id still do anything for you
Ill play your game
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way

I can pretend each time I see you
That I dont care and I dont need you
And though youll never see me cryin
You know inside I feel like dying
And Id do anything for you
In spite of it all
Ive learned so much from you
You made me strong
But dont you ever think that I dont love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things dont work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

I hope you find somone to please you
Somone wholl care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to

And Id do anything for you
Ill give you up
If thats what I should do
To make you happy

I can pretend each time I see you
That I dont care and I dont need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know youll never see me crying

Dont you ever think that I dont love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things dont work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

Stay

2005-07-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

Stay

I believe
we shouldnt let the moment pass us by.
life's too short,
we shouldnt wait for the water to run dry.

think about it
cause we only have one shot at destiny.
all im asking
could it possibly be you and me?

So if you'd still go, I'll understand
would you give me something just to hold on to?
and if you'll stay, i'll hold your hand
cause im truly, madly, crazy in love with you.

Time has come
for us to go our separate ways.
God forbid
but my mind is going crazy today.

I feel so cold,
feel so numb.
Im having nightmares but I'm awake.
help me Lord,
fight this lonliness,
take this pain away.

So if you'd still go, I'll understand
would you give me something just to hold on to?
and if you'll stay, i'll hold your hand
cause im truly, madly, crazy in love with you.

Now that you're gone, I'm all alone.
I'm still hoping you would come back home.
Don't care how long, but I'm willing to wait,
Cause I'm truly, madly, crazy in love with you...

Cheers Darlin'

2005-06-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover boy
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention his name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were running the reins

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover man
Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from here

I die when he comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

Look Inside..

2005-06-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

If ever you wonder about the man in your life... you amy want to look inside. Look inside to see a different side of a man.

Look inside, realize that he can and does feel for you something different, something special. He wakes up in the morning and you're the first think on his mind. If he could call you right then and there, he would. When he sees you, his heart leaps. Not just the first time, not just when you're 'alone', but every time. Every time he meets you, it's as if his whole world has been renewed. It doesnt matter if its raining, or sunny, pleasant or dreary. You amke the rain tender, the sun warmer, a dreary day funny, and a pleasant day perfect. Without you, his days would have no meaning. Of course, you say, "but there could be another..." He says, "there isnt another. you are the only one..." He brings you flowers, he writes you poems, he gives you the sweetest things. Not so you'll like him more, or so you'll give him a kiss, but because he simply loves to make you happy. To see that smile on your face. Though you never know it, it takes him a long time to get the courage to tell his feelings to you. Yes, he was nervous... scared. All guys are. While they try to seem tough and insensitive, deep down, asking a girl out is the hardest thing in the world. And it's only that hard because of you. You just had to be so perfect, so beautiful that his fear of rejection became overwhelming. And the day you know about it and says you're okay about it was the best day of his life.

Look inside, sometimes you find something that you weren't looking for. Though he won't admit it, he'd rather much cuddle you in front of the TV for an evening than to go out with the guys (well, most of the time). When you hold his hand, when he holds yours, it's the best feeling in the world. And when he sees you hurt or crying, it's ripping his heart in two. Deep down, he's a romantic. He'd love to sing you songs, but he's just shy coz he just doesnt have the voice. He'd love to take you on a moonlit walk down the beach, but has to settle for a stroll anywhere. He wishes he could bring you your favorite flowers everyday but his wallet just won't let him. Making you happy is his main goal in life. Some would say that a guy like this is not a man. He is too sensitive, too weal. But I say, for all the reasons given here, that these things are precisely what makes him a man. And you existence alone has already completed his life. You are not aware of it, but he cherishes each and every moment with you as if it could be his last. Because deep down, he is afraid that you may just decide to leave. And that is his biggest fear. And if you did leave, this man would cry. Each second with you completes him. Wheter you are walking together somewhere, cuddling on a chair, sharing an ice cream cone, or simply talking, even on the phone. No matter what it is you are doing, it makes him completely happy just to be with you.

Look inside. It is often surprising. The little things are what he cherishes most. When he gets to brush your hair, when you accidentally (or perhaps on purpose) brush fingertips. When you call unexpectedly just to say "hi". All the simplest things. Simply being there. He would, if given the chance, die for you. This may seem ridiculous but he would gladly give up anything and all for you.

Just look inside. And you may find something worth holding on to. Now, just look around... because this guy is out there. Right now, at this very second, he is thinking of you. You may not or may not know who he is. He may be you boyfriend, you best 'guy friend', or he could be someone you've never met. All the same, someday all he'll want to do is to make you happy.

Look inside, Ive loved and been loved. I've hutn and been hurt. This is life. But beleive me, true love still exists. All you have to do is look for it. I know I do... each and everyday...and to that girl I have not yet found, (I know I already found her) simply--- I love you.

Look inside.

---

To the girl that I know I will love until forever...
I just hope one day that we'll end up together. I pray that our paths may cross once again and when that day comes, we'll never have to part again. Right now, I will just have to wait and see. It hurts to be away from her and hoping is not as easy at it is said. It is really difficult to have to hang on to uncertainty, when every time the phone rings, someone rings the doorbell, someone sends me a text message on my mobile, or an e-mail, I'd wish it was her. I wish so badly for it to be her.

It hurts that when the time came that I finally found the person I'd want to spend my life with, she lets go of what we have. I've never felt this degree of wanting someone so bad that you see a life with her and that you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else anymore. I didnt want anything else. I wanted her.

Though I know I am still young and would meet more people in the future, I know that it is her I want, I need, I love. It wouldve been easier to let what happened pass if she didnt mean anything to me or if love wasnt something that I strongly felt for her. But she was my world, she was my everything. That is why it isnt easy. It isnt easy at all.

Now, I sit here unable to move and simply hanging on to a hope that is quite unsure. Until my prayers are answeered, my heart would be an empty vessel because one rainy Wednesday evening, I lost the world.

wala lang...

2005-06-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

From this world of tears you will depart one day,
And the melody of your voice will no more be here.
The crimson beams of joy will fade, and will stay
A chorus of painful moans that will never disappear.

The glitter of your eyes in the bluest of the oceans
Was my happiness and my hope in all my smiles.
And your pale hands, shaking from emotion
Kept me away from grief, from pain and from cries.

As happiness is limited, as it is going to fade,
It will smile a farewell to me on our last day.
And with the last twinkle which turns into a shade,
You, my only love, with it will go away...

And I just want to tell you, I loved you so much!
I loved your pale face which for me used to shine.
I will remember your soft hands which never with mine will clutch
And thos beautiful blue eyes which never will be mine...

Choosing friends...

2005-06-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

There was a girl who loved two guys at the same time but she didnt know which one she loved more. Someone taight her. Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: "when you are happy, which guy would you want to share your happiness with?" The one you think of is someone you love. Ask yourself another question and answer it honestly: "When you are sad, which guy you would you want to share your burden with?" The one you think of is also someone you love.

If you think of the same guy when you are happy and sad, that's the most perfect. But if you dont think of the same guy, I would advuse you to choose the one you are willing to share you sadness with. In life, there are more sorrows than happiness. There are too many people whom you can share your happiness with, not necessarily your love.

If you live your life happily, you can also enjoy it alone. In sadness, however, there are not many people willing to share your burden with you. If you are willing to tell someone your happiness, I am sure that person has got to be someone close and an understanding person to you.

But it shouldnt stop there. If that person only thinks of you when he is happy, but looks for someone else when he is sad, this lover is too unstable, he doesnt treat you as someone she can spend the rest of his life with.

Of course, I will be very happy if I am the first person to share her happiness. But, if she is sad, I will be too willing to stay by her side and ease her pain. Only then will I believe that I hold a very important position in her heart.

If you are sad, who comes to your mind first?

Friendship is a strange thing. We find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives... things we dont even share with the families who raised us. But what is a friend? A confidant? A shoulder to cry on? An ear to listen? A heart to feel? A friend is all these... and more. No matter where we met, no matter how long we've been together... I call you friend. A word so small, yet so large in feeling, a word filled with emotion, a word with overflowing love. Truly great things come in smalle packages. Once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed. It is a constant book always waiting... waiting to be read... and enjoyed. We may have our disagreements... we may have our appointments... we may argue... we may have concern for each other... friendship is a unique bond that lasts through all tribulations. A part of each of us goes into our friendships... our humor... our experiences... our tears.

Who comes first into your mind?

---

I love you because you saw me when I was invisible...

Mahal mo nga ba siya?

2005-06-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Mahal mo nga ba siya??

Ito ang karaniwang tanong sayo ng mga kamag-anak at kaibigan mo.. Pero higit sa lahat, ikaw lamang ang tanging nakaka-alam sa iyong damdamin.. Sa bawat tanong ay may kaukulang sagot..

Mahal mo nga ba siya??

Oo!! Sa dalawang titik na ito ay parang napaka daling bigkasin.. Sa bawat kilos o galaw maaring ikaw ay magkamali at siya'y iyong masaktan.

Mahal mo nga ba siya??

Ang pagmamahal ay isang bahagi ng iyong pagtitiwala sa iyong sarili at hindi pagtitiwala sa kahit sinuman.. Maaaring gusto mong salungatin ang aking sinabi pero iyon ang tunay na pag mamahal..

Mahal mo nga ba siya??

Sa lahat ng gustong mag mahal, huwag niyong unahin isipin kung ano ang inyong makukuha sa taong gusto niyong mahalin.. Isipin niyo kung ano ang pwede niyong maibigay, maitutulong at higit sa lahat ay kung anong klaseng pagtrato ang kaya niyong ipakita sa kanya..

Respeto.. Ito ang tanging pundasyon patungo sa tamang pagturing sa kanyang pagkatao.

Pagtitiwala, upang kayo ay maging bukas sa bawat isa.

Makinig sa bawat kuwento at salita na galing sa taong minamahal mo, ito'y iyong pakinggan at baka bukas di mo na muling marinig ang kanyang tinig..

Mahal mo nga ba siya??

Hindi mo matanggap na wala na ang taong iyong minamahal.. Galit ka sa kanya! Ngunit ang katotohanan na ikaw ay puno ng pag sisi na siya ay iyong hinayaan mawala.. Pero ano ang gagawin mo? Wala na siya! Mag sisi ka man ay hindi mo na maibabalik ang mga bagay na inyong nasimulan..

Masakit man isipin na ikaw ay naging maramot sa pag bibigay sa taong iyong minahal..

"THE MAIN OBJECTIVE OF LOVE IS TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY IN EVERYWAY YOU CAN"

Napaka sarap ng pakiramdam kung sa bawat yugto ng inyong pagsasama ay makikita mo siyang masaya sa bawat umaga ay may ngiti sa kanyang mga labi..

For you..

2005-06-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

The thought of love leaving after its just been found.
Tears my soul to pieces and my heart in the ground.
Promising myself to never leave my heart open to ever be hurt again.
Telling myself I cannot love anymore not ever again.
Now that you stole my heart and your going away
Always keep it with you until your dying day.
Until you come back to me I will hold on to your heart
the way fate brought us together we can't let distance keep us apart.
So as I lay here with your heart and tears fall as I cry

---

"THE MAIN OBJECTIVE OF LOVE IS TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY IN EVERYWAY YOU CAN"

I'll Be Standing at the Edge of the Earth - Blessed Union of Souls

2005-06-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

I knew that this moment would come in time
That I have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside?

Are you searching for words that you cant find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes dont lie
Guess theres no easy way to say goodbye.

So I'll be stading at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day youll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday..

Dont misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I dont want to let you leave this way
But whatever happens no that I'll..

And I know this may be
The very last time we see each other cry..
But whatever happens know that I'll

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
Youll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day youll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday

And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll...

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday

Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be...
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be...
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be...
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day...

I will see you

walang magawa..

2005-06-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

"They say you'll only appreciate
The value of things in life
When it is truly out of reach
And forever out of sight"

I hate that stupid feeble quote,
And strongly disagree.
For who could ever know myself
Than simple little me?

And so as the days passed me by,
I lived from day to day,
Not noticing the time is near
For things to go away.

Mixed emotions were in my heart,
I didnt want to let go
Of things that made me feel complete
And helped me indeed to grow.

It's now too late to hold them near
Coz now they're gone.... without a trace.
And now it came, my greatest fear
-To be not able to feel their warm embrace.

While talking to my innerself
And looking back at my colorful past,
Now I can say indeed to myself,
'I understand that quote at last'

-Someone

Falling In Love

2005-06-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

It is a mystery why we fall in love.
It is a mystery how it happens.
It is a mystery when it comes.
It is a mystery why some love grows.
And it is a mystery why some love fails.
You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you
will never do anymore than take the life out of the experience. Just as
life itself is more that the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical
impulses in the body, love is more that the sum of the interest and
attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life
itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of
love must be taken as unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of love
will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it and celebrate
it in all expressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often,
it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.
When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold
it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is freely and a gift that just as
freely, moves away.
When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love
leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than
accepting the gift for what its was, then moving on.
They want answers where there are no answers.
They want to know what is wrong in them that make the other person
no longer want them, or they try to get their lover to change, thinking that if some
small things were different, love would bloom again.
They blame the circumstances and say that if they go far away and start
a new life together, their love will grow.
They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is
no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept it. You need to
treat what it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with
someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing
wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.
If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him, feel honored
that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you
cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how
you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives
and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love
then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame.
Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.
Remember that you don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really
do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life.
Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who
deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around in anyway you can.

Here is where many lovers go wrong.
Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need.
They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they
begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.
The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they
revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates
love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret
of love is that it is a gift, and it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own
seasons, and its own reason for coming and going.
You cannot bribe it, coerce it, or reason it to staying.

You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.
But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there
is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live
for a moment in your life.

2005-06-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

As I walk this road of illusion,
I feel pain and sorrow and everything bad life can give.
It hurts me so much as though it was real.

Until sadness filled in me,
I'm ready to give up.
I wished for someone to cure this pain.
I wished for something real.
I need someone who really sees me.

Straddling along the empty road
I saw you with tiny steps,
Feeling afraid of what to come.

Taking huge steps, I get to you.
And I see tears in your eyes.
And when you stopped crying,
I can feel sadness in you.
I tried to make you smile, I tried to make you laugh.

And you did.

I've caught myself smiling alone.

We walked together side by side.
I was surprised you held my hand.
Though life gives us horrible things,
We always find each other.
And we don't get scared anymore.

I see through you, you see through me.

I look around and see,
That the place has changed.
It became clearer and beautiful.

I never thought that I would find
Someone whoe's so sweet and so kind.
Like you..
My heart has found a hope
I've been dreaming of..

You became the light on the road I walk on.
When the sun came tumbling down,
You light the ground I walk on.
Even if the moon and the stars fall down the sky,
You being there gives me light.

Everything was so perfect.
Everything was so true.
Everything became clear when I have you.
And we promised we'd stay forever.

Though something still haunts me.
And as fast as I can realize that I am happy,
I am sad again.

Are you just another illusion?
Just a part of this road I'm walking on?
Or I am just dreaming?
Sifting through my own confusion?

I realized, everything is real.
Even the road I'm walking on.
Everything that comes is real.
And I ask myself, why?
Why am I feeling this way? What have I done wrong?

Something just isnt right.
I feel so invisible to you.
I feel that you're so far away.
I don't knwo why but I feel I'm losing you.
Im losing my grip on what we have.

But how could I throw it all away?
I want to fight for it.
Cause I know you're all worth it.

I don't have the strength anymore.
I'm lost again.
I'm back to where I started.
Please come back.
I hope you can hear me.

...I might let go

June 2, 2005

2005-06-02T00:40:00.001-07:00

"Some people love not really wishing to end up together.
Some people leave but not really willing to go.
I love not expecting to be loved back.
I leave not because I know I will be followed.
I love because I love.
I leave because I let go."

---

"Though I know with one look in your eyes,
Or just a sound of your voice,
I know I would fall for you again.
And maybe, just maybe, when that time comes,
We will be together and our love will never end.
But for now, I must let go.
And just be your friend."

wala lang ulit to...

2005-05-30T03:02:00.000-07:00

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it
MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-
relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost
like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase
where the persons involved are more than friends,
but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal
agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you
may have admitted your feelings, possible ding
hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for
you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi
kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga
sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different
stages for different reasons. It can happen after a
break-up. You still love each other, and you want
to be with each other but you broke up for a
reason. And for reasons that you alone know,
ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong
pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na
ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-
kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi
isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na.
Kaya habang hindi pa siya makikipag-break doon
sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero
di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong
relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa
kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be
fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman
ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may
patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang
kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set
up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may
patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang.
Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na
iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala
pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-
kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship,
they would think that pseudo-relationship is better
than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you
are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may
mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No
commitments involved. For the simplest reason
that they couldn't commit, because they were
either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling.
Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw
ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing.
Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti
na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang
message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang
wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong
pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a
pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And
usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang
lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not
really a relationship, you can't demand
commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May
K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will
always be uncertain about your role in his life. You
can't expect him to be always there with you. And
if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have
to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para
magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with
him?
You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka
nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even
if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't.
Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka
mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make
you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if
there is a
relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much?
What if you have invested all your emotions and
this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him,
not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he
is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is
fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when
one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of
it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam
kung saan ka
lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kng
pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship,
there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang
mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And
usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship,
hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may
karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable,
hoping to bring back what you used to have, only
to find out eventually that the guy is in another
pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up
for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the
process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh.
Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang
future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of
the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You
can be happy and live the moment without
worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop
settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the
real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship
with an unavailable guy! , a friend told me, "Sige,
kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka.
Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak
pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya
sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa
consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi"
stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually,
hanggang doon lang siya.
almost, but not quite.

------------------

Nakuha ko lang to sa email pero nabura ko..
nakita ko lang ulit sya sa recyclebin at binasa ko lang ulit.
linagay ko lang dito dahil baka magkaron ako ng idea magsulat about this in the future.

Wala lang to...

2005-05-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've learned so many things
From the experiences we've been through.
But the hardest lesson, yet, to learn
Is how to unlove you.

I've learned not to fall so hard-
Not to fall in love so fast.
Because, as quickly as it comes into your life,
It can quickly become your past.

I've learned not to trust- so much,
To read between the lines.
Because, if I had known what I now know,
I would have known you were never mine.

I've learned not to be so open,
Not to wear my feelings on my face.
Because, they can be used against you
Like they were.. in my case.

I've learned to be more honest
-to express how I feel.
Because, you never knew how I felt
Because, I kept my feelings sealed.

I've learned not to be so accepting,
To put someone else before me.
Because, when I did this for you,
You never fulfilled my needs.

I've learned it is not always best
To give out a second chance.
Because when I did this for you,
You took me for granted.

I've learned not to be so nice,
Not to be so believing.
Because you forsook my love,
And mistook my kindness for weakness.

I've learned not to believe
That absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Because when I tried to give you your space
It made your heart wander.

I've learned not to be so forgiving,
And to try to make things work.
Because when I did this for you,
I only got myself hurt.

I've learned so many things
From the experiences we've been through
But the hardest lesson, yet, to learn
Is how to unlove you.

End..

2005-05-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Torn. Shattered. Lost.
Not in the mood for anything in my life.
No sleep, no meals, no nothing..
Mostly, no you..
I guess I really am nothing now.
Now that I know you'd stay far.
No, I know I should stay away.
Though I really dont want to.
But we know I have to.
Everything is lost.
Well, not really everything.
Just me.
A no one.
Yeah, I guess this is the end.
No words from you still.
But ill be just fine.
Not really.
But I guess I jsut have to get back from what I was before.
And Ill be okay..
Things are unlike before.
And It shouldnt hurt you too.
Coz it is supposed to make you happy.
So i guess, It is wrong.
Yeah.
I love you yes but we could never be.

All bottled up..

2005-05-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

Im all bottled up..
I dont know what to say
I dont know what Im feeling
I dont know what to do.
It really seems that I am losing you..
What could it might have been if I give up?
But then again
What is it that we have right now?
Should I hold on?
Hold on to what?
Should I stay away?
I cant.
I cant stay away from you..
What is it that you really feel?
I really dont know.
Im sorry Im adding up to your burden..
But then again,
Am I?
I dont know..
Im all bottled up..

What is a soulmate?

2005-05-02T03:40:00.000-07:00

What is a soulmate? Is it just another term for 'true love' or is it something else, something more, something bigger and deeper?

No one really knows. There is no accepted definition of a soulmate or a definitive theory for soulmates. They say that a soulmate is an essence twin, or a counterpart of yourself, or your other half. Some say that it is the companion or lover who helps one acheive a goal. And usually said, the karmic teacher, who comes in to your life to teach you an important lesson. Some say that there we all have multiple number of soulmates, two, three, five, ten, twenty.

People think that when we find our soulmate, there will be no more conflicts, no more major issues to work through, no more problems could come their way. That is why people become so upset and depressed and disenchated when feel that they found that perfect someone who they think is their soulmate and then after a few months, may be weeks it turns out that there are things about them that drives them crazy and things that they just couldn't stand. Conflicts arise and they give up easily thinking that that person wasn't really a soulmate. And they end up thinking "I beleived that that person was my soulmate but because all of this things are bothering us and we can't handle it, he (or she) might not be after all. Then it leads to the point where they start looking somehow desperately for their one 'perfect soulmate' and most likely they will never find.

We all want to be fulfilled in our personal lives but too many people subconsciously or consciously avoid potentialy enriching relationships. The sting of failure in the past experiences and relationships inhibits exposure to new liasons. We tend to avoid in which we fear or has wounded our heart and soul. No relationship is a mistake. We learn from each other and the most disparaging intimate partners can be our greatest teachers. It is just all in us. The way we think about our experiences and the way we see them affects every relationship we encounter. If we view everything in our past as stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks, we would have better understanding and most probably we will have an understanding relationship with our partners. We make better choices, listen to what our partner would want to say, or simply a better communication for your relationship.

Some of you may think all these are lame thoughts and that I am going insane but I beleive that being with your soulmate is really a choice. A choice in which you both (you and your soulmate) beleive in one thing and most importantly, to what really is a soulmate for you. It is building a chance, A chance for enriching others, touching the other's life in a very special way, teaching what you beleive in, a chance for everything even love. A bond unbreakable that no matter what hardships and conflicts arise to the both of you, that bridge of chance will never be broken. Or atleast you soulmates rebuild that bridge when it is broken. A continuous growth of an incredible kind of relationship --a friend, a brother (sister), a bestfriend, a stranger, lover or even an enemy.

I ask myself, What would my life be like with this person? How would I feel when I am with this person? What would we do together? She is my soulmate, Is there real love with her? Do I give and receive love generously and unselfishly? What ever it may be I know I am ready to be in an intensely loving relationship with my soulmate.

We all have our own beleifs of what a soulmate may be. Some might even think that soulmates do not even exist. But whatever it is that we beleive in, do not hesitate to share that to other people. Who knows, maybe that person turns out to be your soulmate too.

---
"You learn to trust not only each other, but also your ability to grow together. You learn that you put your partnership most at risk by avoiding that which you are most afraid will destroy it."
---

Heavyhearted...

2005-05-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

Gloomy
Sad
Down
Depressed
Unloved
Alone
Hurt
Pain
Anxiety
Unhappy
Blue
Sorrow
Bitter
Mournful
Pensive
Wistful
If everything things ends here, surely our story would be tragic.
A love that never was.
This feeling is so distressing and its all my fault.
Im sorry I am causing you so much pain.
I am being melancholic again.
Coz the really sad part is....
It is only you that could ever make me okay.

---

Who do you turn to when then only person
who can make you happy is the same
person you are hurting for?

---

2005-05-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

---

There is no looking back, I am here now
I will be okay, I just dont know how
These feelings I cant divert
I dont know why i am in so much hurt

I guess its not good to cry
And too dumb to ask why
This thing I surely won't regret
Coz its too good to forget

I guess I should be honest to say I really love you
Maybe desperate to wish my life is through
I was too foolish to say that I am fine
And surely selfish to wish you were mine

---

Just my imagination...

2005-04-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Constantly..
I watch the moonlit sky..
Its bright rays and the tiny stars around..
As I find myself thinking about you..
Wondering how you are
If everything is all right.
How many stars should i wish upon?
How many more dreams to come?
All those sleepless nights
Sinking in my insanity
When will you become mine?
Is it all a dream?
I want to know.
Why can't we be lovers?
Or can't we really be lovers?
In my mind we seem so perfect.
That nothing can break us apart.
Bounded by chains made of gold.
And together we seem mountains apart from others.
Our hearts so loud..
That we couldnt hear what others are saying.
As if we do really care.
We do not have to talk to be understood by one another..
That's how deep our understanding goes.
We love as if we were falling in love.
Over and over again..
And the love grows each and everyday..
But soon it is gone.
The sun is up..
And it covers the light that the moon and the stars bring.
The time I realize it was all just an imagination.
Of how I want us to be.

Saddest Thing..

2005-04-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

"No love can hurt as much as
the love that can never be and no
thoughts can hurt as much as
a thought of a love the could have been."

---
"The sad thing about loving you is that someone else
occupies your mind and heart
and I know I can never compete.
So I just have to let you go, even if it hurts me so."

---

"The farthest distance in the world is when im right beside you
watching you fall for someone else"

Mixed Emotions...

2005-04-26T06:12:00.000-07:00

2nd straight day without sleep..
feeling weak..
hands shaking..
i know i wont be able to sleep again..
i dont know what im feeling..
i want to burst into tears..
vaporize..
pop like a bubble..
become non existent in just a blink of an eye..
coz it doesnt really matter anymore..
it just couldnt be..
maybe..
nothing ever really mattered..
all this desires..
dreams..
lies..
im only kidding myself..
i make my own reality..
so far away..
and i pretend it to be real.
'i am in no position.. no position at all'
the exact same words i felt..
coz you do not know that i love you so much..
much more than you can think off..
though,
its all in my head..
funny..
when i am thinking about how i should love her..
she says the exact thing i am thinking about..
i go silent..
because if i tell her what i feel..
and tell her what i was thinking about..
i would lose her.
it would show that i am saying these things just to make her mine..
when in fact,
i know.
and she knows.
we just couldnt be..
i guess i shouldnt have written this.
i guess all this shouldve been left unsaid.
its killing me, yeah.
but better me..
than her.

Bend and Not Break Lyrics (Dashboard Confessional)

2005-04-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

I catalogue these steps now
Decisive and intentioned.
Precise and patterened
Specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing
Especially exhaling,
So that my chest will
Rise and fall with yours.

I'm careful not to wake you
Fearing conversation.
Its better just to hold you.
And keep you pacified.

I'm talented with reason
I cover all the angles.
I can fail even before I try.

Try to understand that there's and old mistake
That fools will make and,
I'm the king of them
pushing everything that's good away so,
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend, I will not break)

I am fairly agile
I can bend and not break
Or i can break and take it with a smile.

I am so resilient
I recover so quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.

Try to understand that there's and old mistake
That fools will make and,
I'm the king of them
pushing everything that's good away so,
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend, I will not break)

Just hold me close to you. (X4)
(Won't you hold me now?) (X2)

Try to understand there's an old mistake
that fools will make and,
I'm the king of them
pushing everything that's good away so,
Won't you hold me now...?
Won't you hold me now... now... now...?

In the dark...

2005-04-23T01:48:00.000-07:00

Anger.. Hate..
Defeat.. Shame..
Jealousy.. Love..
Lies..
Leads me into the dark...
Where no one can see.
Afraid, I cry inside.
When I looked back...
I saw you!
-there was light in my life again...
Each day.. i get closer to you..
The light grows.
Brighter.
And brighter everyday.
Content.. Happiness..
Joy..
Peace.. Love..
Truth..
It happened so fast.
Before I know it, the room is full of light.
But there is still one side left dark.
I look back to that side...
And suddenly I thought of losing my light.
Fear.
Fear fills in that dark part of my life.
Tears falling down.
And when I looked back to reach out for my light...
...Darkness.

-------------

"A shooting star passes quickly and when it does, it lights up the whole sky and other stars just fade away. That's how you were with me, you lit up my life and for a moment.. nothing else mattered."

-------------

I've grown so used to having that light with me. Everything happened so fast.
You stepped a little closer each day. So close that I can't see what's going on.
I don't know if what I'm feeling is love because we both know that we could not be.
Scared. So scared..

scared..

2005-04-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

Im scared Im gonna end up alone.
That Im always gonna be someone's friend.
Or brother.
But never quite.
Someone's everything.
Mostly.
Im scared I'll never meet a girl.
That i'll love.
As much as I love you.

Winds Nocturne

2005-04-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

Wishing on a dream that seems far off.
Hoping that it will come today.
Into the starlit night.
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze.
Waiting on a shooting star.

But.
What if that star is not to come?
Will my dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizons darkens most.
We all need to beleive there is hope.

Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light i've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but,
There's a hole within my soul.

What will fill this emptyness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?
I wish then for a chance to see.
Now all I need (desperately)
Is my star to come...

wala akong maisip...

2005-02-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

~still in some kind of shock ~cold feet ~weird thoughts

*I don't know how I could tell this clearly dahil ang daming umiikot sa aking isipan ngayon. *

Sometime last January habang nag ddrive ako, bigla kong naramdaman na sooner or later mabubunggo ako pero sigurado ako, hindi ako ang makakabunggo kundi ibang tao ang makakabangga sa akin. At sa mga sumunod na araw, sa tuwing dadaan ako sa lugar na iyon, naiisip ko ulit na mababangga ako. Kanina, around 5:10 pm nabunggo ako sa lugar na iyon at ganun ang nangyari, hindi ako ang may kasalanan.

Malayo pa lang, nakita ko na ang kotse niya kaya nag-bagal ako at napansin ko na hindi sya gumagalaw kaya tumuloy ako sa pag-andar. At nakita ko na lamang na papalapit na sya sa gawing kaliwa ko at nalaman ko na lang na nabangga na niya ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko dahil wala naman akong dalang cellphone at unang beses ko lang mabangga.

Well, to cut it short, I called my mom and my dad went over, called a police inspector, made some inspecting, brought us to a precint and made all arrangements there. I will post the pictures soon and you'll see who's fault was it.
____________________________________________________________________

What I learned:

I am and IDIOT for hating my dad. For even thinking that someday I would be a better father than him. He saved my ass out there. I really didnt know what to do. I really want to let him know I love him and I want to thank him. But I dont know how. I realized that no matter what he does, or rather what I do he is still my father. I shouldnt blame him for being him. I guess.

~thank you~

Nails In The Fence

2005-01-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

There was once a little girl who had a bad temper. Her mother gave her a bag of nails and told her that everytime she lost her temper, she must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day, the girl had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as she learned how to control her anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. She discovered it was easier to hold her temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally, the day came when the girl didnt lose her temper at all. She told her mother about it and the mother suggested that the girl now pull out one nail for each day that she was able to hold her temper. The days passed and finally the girl was able to tell her mother that all nails were gone. The mother took her daughter and led her to the fence.

She said, "you have done well my daughter, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can hit a person and say "I'm sorry", but the wound is still there. Words hurt as much as physical pain.

Regrets..

2005-01-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

Did you ever regret the day you said goodbye?
When he was there... but you are not...
Or rather when you were there and he is not?
He is far away..
We don't know...
Wherelse would he go..?
Somwhere there? In the clouds..
In the clouds where other stars are there.
It's not your sky he's shining at...
It's someone else's.
It's not your world anymore...
It's theirs..
Not yours.
Someone already stole your beautiful dream..
When he plays the king and you're the queen...
He is no longer yours..
He's with someone else... He no longer loves you but you still do.
No matter how you deny it.
It's still him...
It's still him who's in your heart...
It's still him who can make you happy...
It's still him who can comfort you...
But where is he?
He is no longer there.
The sun in your sky is alreay on someone else's eyes..

Sometimes we regret what we do...
And sometimes, it really hurts to..
Now, what do you regret more?
Saying goodbye or holding on?

My So Called Best Friend

2005-01-06T02:17:00.000-08:00

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so-called best friend. I stared at her long silky hair and wished she was mine. But she didnt notice me like that and i knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me the notes she had missed the day before. I handed them to here then she said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

~~I want to tell her, I want her to know that i dont want to be just friends, I love her but im just too shy and i dont know why.

11th grade, the phone rang. On the other end it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart. She asked me to come over cause she said she didnt want to be alone. So I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, i stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine.
After 2 hours, 1 Drew Barrymore movie, and 3 bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said thanks and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

~~I want to tell her, I want her to know that i dont want to be just friends, I love her but im just too shy and i dont know why.

Senior year, the day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said, "he's not gonna go".
Well, I didnt have a date and in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as bestfriends. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, i was standing at her front doorstep. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine but she doesnt think of me like that and I know it. Then she said, "I had the best time, thanks!" and she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

~~I want to tell her, I want her to know that i dont want to be just friends, I love her but im just too shy and i dont know why.

A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like and angel up on stage to get her diploma. I want her to be mine but she doesnt notice me like that and I knew it.
Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as i hugged her. Then she lifted her head and said, "you're my best friend, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

~~I want to tell her, I want her to know that i dont want to be just friends, I love her but im just too shy and i dont know why.

Now I sit on the pews of the church. That girl is getting married. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine but she doesnt see me like that and i knew it.
But before she drove away, she came up to me and said, "you came! thanks" and kissed me on the cheek.

~~I want to tell her, I want her to know that i dont want to be just friends, I love her but im just too shy and i dont know why.

Years passed. I look down at the coffin of the girl who used to be my best friend. At the service, they read a diary entry she had written in her high school years.
This is what it read:

~~"...I stare at him wishing he was mine but he doesnt notice me like that and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I dont want to be just friends. I love him and I dont know why but im just too shy.. I wish he would tell me he loved me!.."

"I wish I did too..." I thought to myself, and I cried.